The Chelsey Diaries

My Lilee-Jean,

If you were here to turn four I would have spent all night decorating after you fell asleep, so that when you woke up there would be balloons all over and a banner just for you, saying Happy 4th Birthday, and you would be four.

I would be in the kitchen making chocolate chip pancakes to go with your cheesy eggs and ketchup and the smell would fill your little nose and that big beautiful grin would fill your little face, and you would be four.

I would see you out of the corner of my eye, and take you swiftly into my arms saying happy birthday over and over and over, smothering you completely with hugs and kisses, and you would be four.

You would have one gift to open in the morning, like my parents always had for me and I would sip my coffee contently watching you eat up your special breakfast and open your little gift, chatting your way through it all, and you would be four.

The day would be spent doing all of your favorite things. Like eating chocolate kisses, painting pictures, having tea parties, and a no pants dance party, jumping on the trampoline, walking down to the park, having hot dogs and ice cream for lunch then cuddling up on the couch together to watch Happy Feet and fall asleep in front of the fire for your afternoon nap. and you would be four.

At night there would be a party and you would be the guest of honor, Cinderella would be there, and all your family and friends. There would be a special present from me, something you and I could do together, wrapped in magical sparkly paper. You would have a beautiful princess dress to wear, there would be music to dance to, the piano mat to play on, chicken, cheesy noodles and grunkle corn to munch on and tons of cake with lots and lots of icing. And you, my sweet girl, would be Four.

Then after a night spent dancing, laughing, and singing, we would go home to our little house, put on our pajamas, brush our teeth, cuddle up in my bed and put on Happy Feet 2 ( Or Princess and the Frog, or Wreck it Ralph, or Pitch Perfect, Or Cinderella) and we would watch it until your eyes just couldn’t stay open any longer. Then I would turn off the movie, wrap you up in your favourite blanket and sing you “a dream is a wish..” and “Lullaby” and you would float off peacefully to sleep, your first night being Four.

What you wouldn’t see, my girl, is that I would stay up listening to you breathe, straining my eyes in the darkness to watch as your chest moves up and down, and up and down. with your forehead against mine I would caress your soft skin and think to my self, how could I be so lucky to be the one to watch your life unfold, what did I do to deserve to be the human that you call Mommy. I would re live the day you were born, how anxious I was to meet you in the days leading up, how I already knew you were perfect and how words don’t do justice the love that I felt when I first held you, and then look at you now and think, wow.. you. are. FOUR.

But you aren’t here to turn four. You’ll never be here to turn four, or five, or six. You are eternally two and a half, robbed of a long life. So today, because you’re not here, I will go to the ocean so I can say hi, (even in the rain.. ESPECIALLY in the rain) I’ll spend some time remembering the day you were born, how anxious I was to meet you in the days leading up, how I already knew you were perfect, how words don’t do justice, the love that I felt when I first held you, and the inexplicable pain that I felt the last time I did. I’ll remember your last birthday here with me, and I’ll picture you dancing and singing all day. I’ll try not to mourn, but instead celebrate your life, because you are worth celebrating. I’ll surround myself with our family and friends, laugh, and remember, and have cake with lots and lots of icing. And then, when the day and night are over, I’ll go home and put on my Pajamas and brush my teeth, then I’ll curl up in my bed, wrap myself up in your favourite blanket and I’ll think to myself, how could I be so lucky to be the one to watch your short but powerful life unfold. I’ll wonder what I did to deserve to be the human that you called mommy. It wont be completely sad, and it wont be completely happy. I’ll be somewhere in between missing you, and celebrating your life. I’ll always be somewhere in between the pain of living without you and the honor of living for you.

On this day, Lilee-Bean, you would have been four.

With my whole heart,
Happy Birthday.

ALL of my love,
Mommy.