The Chelsey Diaries

I want to fall in love.
I want to fall in love with all the things I loved before.
The smell of the rain on pavement after a long hot day. The sight of the waves kissing the shore and retreating.  I want to fall in love with the sound of thunder and the flash of lightening.  
How it feels when you drink a cold glass of water on an empty stomach and can feel it go all the way down your throat, quenching the thirst and extinguishing the heat. I want to fall in love with the muffled noise and weightlessness of being submerged in water, stay in that moment,  and fall in love with the burning of your lungs from holding your breath.
I don’t want to just say “oh i love that” or just see or hear or touch or smell. I want to feel all of it right down to my soul. I want love to be the air I breathe. I want beauty to be the language I speak. I want to find something in everything, big or small. I want the wonders of my world to be weaved into the everyday.
I want my pain to be external; aching muscles and bones and feet and hands. I want cuts and scrapes and sunburns and tired eyes. I want to feel everything. I want to go to bed at night and think, wow. I  lived the shit out of today.
I want to fall in love with the nights spent with friends, not phones. I want to fall in love with my friends all over again. The little things, the way the look, the way they smell and the way they speak. I want to fall in love with their quirks and the way they make me feel when they hug me, or how a text, email or phone call makes my heart feel like bursting. I want to fall in love with cherishing them. I want to fall in love with the craziness of my family, and the warmth and safety we surround each other with.  I want to fall in love with silence, and holding a book, and flipping the pages. I want to fall in love with being taken out of my world by a story and being consumed by ink on a page. I want to fall in love with the way the keyboard feels beneath my fingertips as I script the most important words i’ll ever have.
I want to fall in love with the warmth from the sun through a window in the spring, when you know its still cold outside but the sun shining into the room makes it feel like a summer’s day. I want to fall in love with the cold pinching at your skin, and the way the snow looks like sparkles floating from the sky. I want to fall in love with the wind and how, in the fall, it has a slight coolness to it, even though the sun is warm.
I want to fall in love with waking up with the sun, or going to bed when the sun wakes up.
I want to fall in love with walking through wild flowers in an open field and the vastness of a forest. I want to fall in love with the feeling of a rushing river moving through my fingers.
I want to fall in love with the busyness of the city, the people, the cars, the parks. I want to fall in love with experiences, even mundane ones. The little ones, the big ones.
I want to feel, not think. I want out of my head. I want my mind to shut up and my body to experience the world instead.
I want to remember that my life can be full, that it doesn’t take money, or change, or circumstance to be fulfilled.
I want to fall in love with the little things, because the big things are taking too long. Because my heart is broken. I want to find love in everything around me for no other reason than just to feel. I want to fall in love with vulnerability.
We walk this life doing what we are suppose to or even what we want to. But how often do we sit back and close our eyes, not think, and just feel the heat from the sun against our skin. How often do we pull over, get out of our car and watch as the sun goes down without worry of time, or work, or spouses or trouble. Do we ever take a moment to turn off our internal dialog and focus on what it feels like to have our hand clasped in another’s. When do we find time to go outside and be an observer, watch the trees, and the people and the animals and the water.
Why don’t we put our phones down and enjoy the company of the people we are around, and talk and laugh until our throats are sore and our bellies hurt.
Fall completely and unforgivably in love with as many things as possible. All of it. Fall in love with the smell of grass. With the sight of leaves falling. Fall in love with the sound of the violin in the back ground of a song. Fall in love with the feeling of sand between your toes and running  your hand through someone’s hair, or the sound of a child giggling with pure untainted happiness. Fall in love with everything around you. As much as you can. And fall hard.

We all have anger, and pain, and struggle and frustration. We all get let down and thrown out. We all miss, and yearn and need. but above all, most importantly, we all love. and its love, over all other things, that drives us to do our very best stuff. the award winning, the memory making, the deep down, raw, soul filling, heart consuming stuff.
I want to see love in all things, embrace the moments that speak to me without a second thought and watch as the world unfolds around me.

I want to fall in love.

Chelsey xo