Every time I turn a corner, the grass seems greener on the other side. Why is that? I have no desire to compare my life to others; After Lilee-Jean, I can’t any more. I know I will never, could never, and never want to be like anyone else or have lived anyone else’s life. She was worth every second leading up to her being born, every second since she has died and all the seconds in between. My greener grass is always the life I create in my head and damn is it GREEN. My best friend, Arianna (who lives way too far away in Holland) and I were emailing back and forth (as we do almost every day) and when I told her how my frustration and discontent was building up along side my sadness, she said “…if you see a cute chair you don’t see just that.. you see the tea and book you will be curled up with while listening to (insert band name here) in the background etc etc. That’s the artist in you and I think it overloads your brain.”
It was something I was completely aware of myself, my imagination runs wild, but it was that last part I had never thought of before. “That’s the artist in you and I think it overloads your brain.” huh. Who would have thought that imagining a life you wish you had, even just a moment you wish you were living could overwhelm you. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew she was spot on. I fill my head with moments, achievements, love and life that I am not living (not yet anyway). I am constantly wondering, wishing and making up things that I want to exist. Even my dreams are so vivid some nights that I wake up and think “if only..”
Is daydreaming (often but not all day every day-just to clarify) hindering my ability to actually reach those goals? Am I subconsciously overwhelming my brain and building up frustrations because those things are not true right this moment?
I know its great to dream, I know its amazing to plan for a future and to have goals that seem almost impossible-you know, shoot for the moon and end up among the stars- (except my dream of being a grammy nominated recording artist. that one isn’t good to have. My voice sounds like two cats fighting in an ally.). But are my planed future adventures taking me away from this moment for too long?
This might make me sound like a nut, but I could plan out exactly how I would like my life to go and if you could come inside of my head you would see it unfold like a movie. Like time lapse montages while i’m writing the book/traveling certain parts of the world. Or a soundtrack to the moment the book is published, my first book release party and the moment I meet the love of my life. I know life isn’t a movie, believe me, my grip on reality is as tight as a speedo on a linebacker, but I cant help but see my future unfold as one. Here’s the worst part, some days imagining my future is the only happiness I have; picturing people walking the streets with Lilee’s name on their tongues and my book in their hands is the only thing that brings genuine happiness to my heart. But maybe i’m thinking too much of the end result and not spending enough time working on the path to get there. Maybe the solace in my mind is stopping me from living the process and experiencing the pain, love, laughter, and joy of this section of my journey. I look at myself not with eyes that see youthfulness of my heart or the time left in my life, but with the panic of not having done enough, the frustration of wasting time, and the pain of having so much loss. So when i’m in my head, when the world around me feels too cruel to be in it, I dream of a life I want and just stay there for a while.
So how do I stop thinking that the grass is greener, when i’ve created grass that is, in fact, greener.
Its like an addiction, when I get into my dark places, to slip inside of my brain to a future I long for; it’s not easy to find a different vice. Am I afraid that if I put everything I have into creating this future that I will fail? But maybe along the way Ill find something better than I had ever imagined…
I don’t know how to tell my heart that I need to be right here and right now. I Don’t know how to tell my mind that it truly is a LABOUR of love to work towards the future that I want. I don’t know how to tell my soul that my yearning will never be fully satisfied because I will always be missing Lilee.
But ill try and write when I want to hide in my head
ill try to work when I’m desperate to be at the finish line
and ill try to find little bits of life that temporarily satisfy the yearning of my soul.
and one day, i’ll find that green grass and stop looking around the corner.
“She never felt like she belonged anywhere,except for when she was lying on her bed, pretending to be somewhere else.”
― Rainbow Rowell