Seething. Enraged. Disgruntled. Furious. Inconsolably Exasperated. Pissed. Incensed. Beside Myself. MAD
And thank God for that, because always resorting to miserable is seriously getting old.
Something happened the other day, something not cancer related and not Lilee related that pissed me right the f%*$ off, and I. Was. MAD. As steam was coming out of my ears, and my car’s speedometer was going a little too high, I started to laugh hysterically and uncontrollably, frightening the minivan of tourists I was whipping past.
I haven’t felt anger in a really long time. Every emotion that has been heightened enough for me to actually address with full mindfulness always turns into sadness. Always. It doesn’t matter what evokes the emotion to begin with, it always ends up with pain. Happiness does because I miss Lilee, anger does because I am angry that cancer took her, and I miss her. Excitement, because I wish she could be there to experience it too. Love, because my heart is so full of it and yet it is so empty. Everything resorts to unwanted tears, gut wrenching pain and me finding a dark hole or pile of blankets to curl up into. Even though I’m pretty damn good at controlling my emotions, even I can’t keep them all away, So I try to keep them at a moderate level. Sure, it’s no way to live, but then at least happiness can be happiness (with only a tinge of sad), anger can come and go quickly, before my heart rate even changes, excitement, love and everything in between is felt and experienced, but dulled by my conscious brain and then the grief is too.
But the other day I got mad without reservation and it didn’t turn to a breakdown of tears and grief; It turned into more anger, and it was awesome. Now, I know what you are thinking, “Chelsey, anger isn’t something you should be concentrating on, you know, for every minute of anger you lose 60 seconds of happiness.” or something along the lines of attracting more bees with honey or whatever. But here’s the thing; if I can be angry without having to minimize it but also not having a complete breakdown fueled by my grief, maybe I’m on the way to happiness.. maybe I’m on the way to love and excitement. But even more importantly, maybe I’m on the way to sadness and grief without holding back; without having to be alone. Maybe this is one step closer to creating those real connections with people again, the ones where you laugh, and cry and explore and express. Maybe not. Maybe it will be the same, but maybe it wont. If I can be angry, I think I can be more. Maybe anger is the fire under my ass to stop floating by, to stop using my words to find Lilee and start using my actions. To stop wondering how to, when to and why to and just doing, It’s another step towards accepting who I am, and instead of searching for ways to be normal, to start searching for ways to be me, day in and day out. Finding ways to only apologize when I’ve done something wrong and not for who I am; only using filters on Instagram and not filtering out what I think makes me look broken in the eyes of others.
Because, I see things differently, my mind doesn’t process things from A-B but from A to D to K to Z to J. But its been easier to try to fit in, only showing my uniqueness when it is endearing or safe, then going home to decompress every.single.night. I’m not complaining. I am lucky to have a job that pays well that I don’t hate. I’m lucky to have a home and nourishment. I’m lucky to live where I do and be surrounded by love. I am lucky. But its been almost a year of 9-5, of coasting through. I’m extremely proud of myself and thankful I made it this far, but the other day I got so SO angry and it felt so damn good.
I feel like a seesaw, a lead weight and a balloon. I feel like I’m one way then the other and then in between too, so having a definitive feeling, like anger, without a side note and without an angel on the other shoulder, or a logical inner “talk off the ledge” felt euphoric, heightened and better than I can remember it ever feeling. I feel like every step I take I’m being logical, guided by my ego (not egotistically driven, but by the voices inside my head telling me what is right, what I should do and what would be best) instead of just letting my self be, letting things come and letting them go. Logic seems to run my life, control, structure. All the things that make me feel like this life is MINE, these emotions are MINE, my situation is MINE to control. To a certain extent, it is exactly what I need to do, but instead of focusing on the logic of it all, I was able to just be in a moment of pure emotion without fear of darkness, without fear of the inability come back to the surface. I felt. I laughed. I conquered. And even though I know behind every laugh, every smile, every grimace, every wink, there will always be a shadow, I feel like I might be starting to understand how light can distract, how grief doesn’t have to always be debilitating, because so far, that’s all I’ve known. Maybe this is me learning to live with both grief and everything else in a super messed up, unnatural co-existence, but a co-existence none the less.
If I can feel anger, intensely but solely, can you imagine, among all the other emotions in time, what falling in love is going to feel like?