I’m not the person that believes everything happens for a reason. I’m not the person that necessarily believes in fate or destiny but I do know that there are certain things that are out of our control. It’s like our life is a timeline, and every so often is a mark. From that mark there are a million ways you can go, and no matter which way you choose, it will lead you back to another mark on that original time line. You with me? Those marks are the things we don’t have control over: Death, circumstance, illness, all the shitty things that pop up, the things that are probably just going to happen anyway, regardless of the path you choose. So we move through our timeline hoping that if we go left instead of right, if we go up instead of down, maybe we can avoid those marks. But the thing is, we can’t. There are some things that are just going to happen, no matter how hard we fight against it.
While going through my own messed up situation, ive been a fly on the wall for so many other’s. I try my darndest to put myself in other people’s shoes as they deal with whatever it is they are dealing with. I watch as people I love mourn Lilee, as people I don’t know (or don’t particularly enjoy) mourn Lilee. I watch people mourn their parents, spouses, uncles, aunts. I watch people as they witness their loved ones succumbing to disease, people I love changing from illness or circumstance. I watch people fall down and get back up and fall down again, as im struggling to get to my feet myself and I can’t help but constantly think WHY?
WHY does it happen.
WHY can’t we avoid it
WHY can’t we change it.
But then I realized this:
life is one fucking depressing moment after another. we have no control. Bad things happen and it is much easier to spiral out of control than it is to calmly address them. But I don’t think the problem resides in whether we spiral or address, I think the issue is: how do we get from one mark to the other? Do we just sit and wallow and wait for the next fucked up thing to happen? Do we stay in our homes and lock our doors and close our blinds hopefully avoiding shitty circumstances? No, because they are going to happen anyway. From losing a job, infidelity, break up with a spouse or a bad grade on a test, to a life altering accident, house fire or death of a loved one. Bad. Things. happen; big, small and everything in the middle. What we DO have control over is the moments in between; Those sacred little nuggets of time and space while we wait for the proverbial other shoe to drop. Those moments are yours. The now. The Present. Will it make the next disaster easier? Nope. Will it lessen the blow of the previous one? Maybe.. but maybe not at all. But that’s not the point of it, is it? The point of living in the now isn’t to negate the past or build up a bank of happy thoughts in preparation for the next catastrophe. The purpose is.. it’s all we have. You are going to spend days doing nothing. You are going to spend days doing a ton. the point is, that you have control over those days. And when you feel like you aren’t in control, when you feel like your sadness is, or your anger, just feel it. Embrace it and move through it. Because even though you may not have had control over whatever made you sad or mad, you DO have control over the motions you set, the way you move forward, or the choice to sit still. This is so hypocritical of me, saying all of this like I am an expert when I am a beginner. Actually, less than a beginner, a brand spankin’ new baby of mindfulness. But aren’t we all? Don’t we all exhibit these things one day and fall apart the next, letting our ego steer us to fear? But one day, after practicing, falling, getting back up, falling again, (and on and on and on) I will have more moments of “on” and less of “off.” I’ll have more quiet and less brain noise, and more ability to still my heart, be in whatever moment I am in, whether its happy, sad, exciting or peaceful, and be unreservedly present. We have no control of our timeline, bad things are going to happen, but in this moment I know one thing is for certain. I am. and even though it’s only two small words, one small sentence, it is one enormous life altering truth. I. AM. I exist. I exist to serve others. I exist to serve myself. I exist to create a mark on this planet, on the lives of others. I exist to be and to do; to feel and to fall. I am. I will always be. She was. She is. She will always be. How’s that for existential?
Getting back “on,”
6 thoughts on “I Am.”
Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I needed this reminder that “I am” so badly! I love your writing and all your posts but your words here just put me back where I need to be. Sending you so much love & gratitude from Ontario – Have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend xo