No, seriously, Thank-You.
I’ve been over and over my facebook memories today. So many times I’ve lost count. The brain is tricky when it comes to memories. Sometimes we finally see things in their true form, years after they have happened. and sometimes, time filters out the garbage so that we can see only the moments and feel only the feelings that matter in the long term.
I have often wondered how many things my mind has forgotten or vaulted inside of my head.
How many moments, how many messages, how many gestures of love have I forgotten because my brain decided that I wasn’t a memory I needed in the forefront.
But Facebook (oh such a love/hate relationship I have with you) and it’s “memories” remind me of all the little things, that may have been forgotten, that aren’t so little at all.
Today, Christmas in August was all over the world of facebook (and kind of all over the actual world). It marks 3 years since Christmas Eve fell on a hot summer’s day in August. It Marks 3 years since my family got together for our annual Christmas eve dinner (although this one was professionally -and incredibly- decorated and catered and there were a few more guests than there usually is) and laughed, sang, danced in the snow and had a very special visit from the Man in Red, Himself.
All of those memories are etched into my being. The good and the challenging, they are all there. But what Facebook reminded me of was all of the individuals across our little towns, across the province, across the country that got together to celebrate Christmas. It reminded me of friends posting pictures of themselves in Santa hats (and tank tops), donations made by companies in honour of Lil on “Christmas”, cookies sent, presents left on my doorstep and received in the mail. Flowers, peppermint mochas, Christmas cupcakes and every single post wishing us the happiest of Christmases.
I have never and will never forget the generosity of all of you. But what a heartbreaking and heart mending journey it was to read each one of your words, see each one of your pictures, all over again, while I am in a calmer state to really absorb it.
Planning September 6th is bitter. But this year there is a little sweet, too, as my family is coming along for a much needed family vacation. Even though I am looking forward to spending time with them, the brokenness of the day makes the planning a challenge. But scrolling through Facebook, I was given some of that Christmas love all over again, some of that strength that you all gave me 3 years ago, some of that hope, some of that magic and I smiled. Big and Unapologetically.
What a life she had.
What a messed up, full of love, overflowing with adventure, pulsing with magic, way too fucking short of a life she had.
You gave me that. Messed up, love, adventure and magic. And I used every drop of it as I tried to wrap my head around a day I don’t want to exist. A day that took my world. A day I have to plan every year for the rest of my life.
I am messed up
I am full of love
I am desperate for adventure
And I am weaved with the magic of a little girl and all that she created.
And because of you, I’ll never forget it again.