Okay, sometimes it’s pretty great too, I guess.. but also, no one needs to see the nice things their stupid ex said about them or reminders of how round and firm their butt used to be…
January 11, 2013, Facebook Post on Love For Lilee:
Last night we received a phone call from Dr.Davis, after he met with the Tumor board.
They have come to the consensus that our only option at this moment is to wait.
They are still almost positive the change in the MRI is tumor(its Highly unlikely that its not) and they have one more drug they can try. This drug could extend her life by about 6-7 months, but once again isn’t a cure.
However, it can take a pretty nasty toll on miss Lilee, so they feel its best to wait two months, have another MRI, and if that mass is growing, then start this new drug.
Dr.Davis said it last night and I think it’s how we all feel;
He said, from the beginning, because this cancer is what it is, we were trying to extend her life. We weren’t expecting a cure. But as treatment went on, and LJ gave us the results that she did, I think we all believed that she could beat this thing. So we are all still very shocked, because even though its exactly what we should have expected from GBM, it’s not at all what we expected in Lilee’s case.
We are Meeting with the team in a couple weeks to flush her VAD, get bloodwork etc.
Even though we trust our team is doing all they can, we are still looking for treatment outside of the hospital, we will be getting second opinions, and we are pushing for an MRI sooner than 2 months from now.
We don’t know how fast this thing will grow, if it is tumor, and that is the most terrifying thing of all.
So time, as always, will be treated like gold, and not one moment will be wasted.
Fucked, right? No, not just my poor grammar, but how even the DOCTORS were shocked to see that the tumor was growing. Fast forward 8 months to me, barley a human at all, sitting in a Lilee-less home wondering how the hell I am going to survive a lifetime without her when I barely made it through 5 days.
I wonder, when we look back on these documented memories that are forever ingrained in the world wide web, if our parents and grandparents (and even us, if you are old enough), had the right idea to burn photos of old flames, throw out reminders of a fight that played out via handwriting on a little note folded into a triangle and rid your life of all the little things that bring back the horrible memories of our past. Because, I’ll never forget Lilee and I’ll probably never forget that moment either, but does it serve me to relive it? Does it serve me to be sitting at my desk, decide to take a cheeky looky loo at my FB then find myself clutching my chest from lack of breath and running to the bathroom to cry so no one would see me? Does it serve anyone to look back and see how well an ex treated you on social, but remember how many times they cheated on you in real life turning your rage blinders on in full force and boiling your blood beyond measure all. over. again?
If you asked me a year ago, maybe even a couple of months ago, my answer to my question would be “YES. A memory of Lilee is a piece of her that I am not willing to let go of; any memory, in any form.”
While I still think a-year-ago Chelsey is mostly right, I wonder if maybe not in any form.
Any Black Mirror fans out there? I re watched the episode with the little memory grain that is put inside someones head so they don’t have to remember stuff. For those who haven’t seen it, it has a playback option, a cast option (so you can share it with others on your TV) and a permanently delete option, among other things.
It creeped me the eff out.
I mean, for crime and stuff, to prove your innocence or to prove someone’s guilt (I am sure you would have to get a warrant before forcing someone to stream their memories from the day in question for all to see, right?) it makes sense. It would make the job of law enforcement much, much, easier. But for us regular folk, who aren’t going around committing crimes, what is the pull to be able to literally RE LIVE your memories through your own eyes.
A year-ago Chelsey is losing her mind right now. “Are you kidding me!!! ANY CHANCE to see Lilee again. ANY, I would take. To be able to RELIVE all of those moments… I would do ANYTHING.” And ya, same. I would give anything to relive those moments. I am not sure, though, that I would give anything to watch them play out as a glorified movie in my head. The thing is, our brain is such a wonderful, squishy, ball of matter, and even when it’s thinking, or not thinking, remembering, or not remembering, it is also trying to protect us. Stress induced amnesia is an example of this. So maybe, details of our memories, fights, a couple of years during college (that may or may not be from the vodka) that disappear are gone because our brain is trying to protect us, or MAYBE, we don’t need them.
I am not saying I don’t want to keep every single memory of my girl; I do. I have spent countless nights laying in bed with a constant stream of tears wetting my face and pillow because I was DESPERATELY trying to remember something about her, be it a moment or a characteristic. But sometimes I don’t think it benefits anyone to have to relive moments of pain, heartache and darkness when we can fill our head with all of the wonderful things we DO remember and when we can look at photos, and watch videos and tell stories to one another. When a memory of someone is all we have, why do would we waste our time with any other moments than the ones that fill us with love?
On this day, 5 years ago, my perfect, sassy, glorious pain-in-my-ass little girl was getting ripped out of my arms. Slowly, and not without one screaming, kicking, one-hell-of-a-mother fucking fight from her mother. But as hindsight, our lovely douche canoe of a friend, likes to point out, the force taking her was stronger than my arms could ever be.
I think there is value in analyzing the past as it effects our present and potentially our future. For me while writing a book, looking back on things is absolutely crucial. But if, every day we click on that little icon telling us we have memories to look back on, are we taking up precious time in the present? Are we risking our super good mood by looking back on something that pissed us off so bad we decided to tell all of Facebook Land about it?
Memories are good. Photos are good. Remembering moments of joy and love and yes, sometimes even heartbreak and pain can be good, if we move through them.
So I spent a solid 10 in the bathroom trying to get my shit together, so what? I didn’t hold it in and lose it on my sweet and unsuspecting boyfriend while opening wine and drinking from the bottle until I fell asleep on the living room floor.
I moved through it.
If you are going to look back on something negative, you owe it to yourself to give it only what it deserves. A nod, a cap off, maybe a tear or two, and then remember what good came after. Like a trip to Disneyland, like a community rallying to complete a bucket list for a two year old, and like Halloween and Christmas in August.
And then stop. Look around. Feel the air on your skin and the breath in your lungs. Think about something that you are thankful for right now, in this exact moment and let the past be the past while you let those wonderful little memories fill your heart with more love than you think you can bear.
I am thankful for you.
with a breath in and a long and satisfying breath out,
ps: Thanks Facebook, you give me some pretty good memories too.